Growth, Change, and (kind of) Rebirth

It seems like the world has turned in on itself, round in circles and out again. And I’ve realized a lot about myself along with the world around me.

Lately, all the major issues have come out and are finally being brought to the table for discussion. Gay marriage has recently been heard in the Supreme Court very recently and I’m so glad this is finally happening. This means that I along with all Americans may one day be able to marry whomever we choose without it being against the law or have a problem with no rights to our spouses things. This is truly the beginning to a new world order opening up. I can feel it.

I’ve also made great discoveries for myself in my personal life. I am finally to a point where I think I have fully began to understand myself, why I am the way am, my way of thinking and I’m finally at  a place where I can accept myself for who I am. It’s taken my almost seven years, but I am finally able to speak about my sexuality without feeling weird about what I was saying. There are still the people who ask, “And when did you become gay?” or the people who don’t know and talk about how they don’t believe in bisexuality. I have learned that it’s smarter to stay quiet in these times than start some silly argument that will more than likely never be resolved. Too much of a headache (and I have enough of those).

I have also grown in the sense that I need people. Ever since 7th grade when things started to go bad, I thought I needed no one but myself. I stopped hanging out with friends outside of school very often and I still was the girl I had always been, but I was much just not as happy. And through my unhappiness, I thought I didn’t need anyone. I’ve come to realize, everyone needs people. We couldn’t survive without one another because in the end we would get really lonely with only ourselves to talk to and majority of people would go insane because they wouldn’t be accustomed to spending that much time with themselves.

April 15 was also the two-year anniversary of a death or someone who I was once very close to. In the time of two years, I had never written on her Facebook wall, had never thought about her for hours on end and had never felt at peace with her death. The biggest problem was, 8 months after she died, I found out information that contradicted nearly everything she had told me in her last month. And I was angry and I wanted to yell at her, but she was gone so that was pretty impossible. But this year’s anniversary helped me realize one thing: I am nothing like I was two years ago. I have realized that when she passed, so did my spirit in a way. I used to go around talking about purple flying monkey’s and chicken’s in bikinis. I had a little more luck with talking to guy’s (Shyan, that’s her name, was practically the only person who ever truly helped and now I’m horrible at talking to guys). I was just a happier, more normal Ally. And I just don’t feel like I’m there any more.

This is what I wrote her:

Two years. It’s been two long years without Shyan. I remember her like it was just yesterday we were talking about chickens running through the halls of our junior in bikinis because they drank a Monster. Or the times we complained to each other about the sixth graders. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself after she was gone. She was the first person I had trusted in years. I’ve really thought about her a lot lately. And I’ve realized how much she affected me in the 6 months I knew her well. If I could, I would thank her for always being her wonderful self and for putting up with me in Computers when I was tired and loopy. I hope she’s happy up there with the stars.

April 16, I participated in the Semicolon Project.

SemicolonProject416a0f6860ea77011e29b3722000a1fa50e_7The semicolon was pretty faded by the time I posted it today, but I’m glad that I found this when I did. I also hope to take part in the Day of Silence tomorrow (but I don’t know how happy my teachers will be).

I’ve also gone through a lot of discoveries with blogging and such, but I’ll save that for another post.



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